SOME THOUGHTS ON FAMILY GATHERINGS

 

I would much rather pen a travelogue or an essay on an everyday, personal event than research and write a political commentary. Journalism is overburdened with too many of the latter and too few of the former. The truth is, personal essays are more fun to write.

For those familiar with the timeless works of Mark Twain, he appears to agree with me. In addition to his famous novels and political criticisms, Twain was a prolific essayist that covered his travel adventures, philosophy, literature, and humor, all based on observations.

Our recent family sojourn to Chincoteague, Virginia provided some new material for an essay on family gatherings. In anticipation of this task, I made notes during the week (excellent accommodations, weather, and seafood) and sought advice from two of my editors who were part of our assembly, (my spouse and her first cousin) to whom I owe a debt of gratitude.

Family gatherings have always provided a fertile platform on which to write a book, play, or movie script. One of my favorite novels, The Corrections, written by fellow Swarthmore graduate, Jonathan Franzen is a great example. This award-winning novel is a perceptive and darkly humorous look at an aging Midwestern couple. They desperately attempt to gather their dysfunctional adult children for one last holiday meal.

In the live action play and movie categories featuring family gatherings, it is hard to top August Osage County, by Tracey Letts. We saw the original on Broadway and enjoyed the movie version featuring Meryl Streep as the Weston family matriarch. Her brood, scattered across the country, is forced to reunite at the old Oklahoma homestead after a family crisis. What follows is a tragicomedy that showcases three generations of dark family secrets.

There are many other examples. Home for The Holidays, directed by Jodie Foster is a fun, chaotic movie involving the clash of personalities at a family Thanksgiving reunion. Knives Out, starring Daniel Craig as the impeccably dressed detective, solves a murder mystery following a tense family gathering to read the will of a wealthy mystery novelist.

Our coming together on Chincoteague Island did not involve any of the intense tragedy or comedy of the above paradigms. It did provide a week of insight on aging, relationships, and the open trading of information, based on our pre-retirement careers.

Unlike gatherings in previous decades, each year we come together now reveals signs of aging. All of us are over 70. The phrase “please repeat that” seemed to be uttered in every discussion. The group went to bed earlier, woke up later, took more naps, and scheduled fewer hikes than ever before. Our beach sitting was accommodated by high director’s chairs rather than the low-slung variety. Pill bottles were everywhere. Each time we left the condo, someone forgot something.

There was a new member of our party that added an upbeat element to the week. We were eager to show him our favorite eateries and activities on the island, which now felt rediscovered. His first close-up view of the famous wild Chincoteague ponies was a joy to behold. Eagles, ospreys, and oyster-catchers completed the experience for him. The jury is still out on his first raw oyster.

It became obvious as the week progressed that a gathering of older adults involves more story telling than a typical family gathering involving younger adults and children. My spouse and her first cousins re-lived their elementary and high school experiences. My best friend from high school (now married to my wife’s first cousin) and I did the same with our many childhood misadventures. The tales from New Jersey tended to be spicier than the ones from Washington County.

My friend from New Jersey is a retired engineer. I was able to review with him our upcoming home improvement projects. He had many excellent suggestions. We brought our new, baffling telescope, and he carefully explained how to reassemble and operate it.

The same friend had a number of estate issues involving his child and former wife that needed immediate attention. My knowledge was helpful in working through each of the legal matters.

Meals are the heart of family gatherings. Our dinners at the condo and around the island provided ample opportunities to further reminisce and to celebrate a birthday. I have rarely laughed so hard or as often. During the day, each of us felt free to go off on our own for some self-reflection.

Compromise was essential. I like to plan each hour of activities while most of the others were more spontaneous. I learned to step back, stop thinking, and to start enjoying. Making the most of the moments and “going with the flow” were important “mental medicine” for me. I compelled myself to let two cousins plan our boat excursion around the island. They took personal ownership and provided our best memories of the week.

Of course, not everything went according to plan. As we loaded into the bigger, brand-new vehicle for the beach, the battery had died. After an hour of researching dealerships, repair shops, and possible reasons a new battery would go dead, a good Samaritan on vacation saved the day. He had a portable starter that worked when our jumper cables failed.

New stories were created for next year—if we can only remember them.